[Tranc{E]nd} (seattlesque) wrote,
[Tranc{E]nd}
seattlesque

A strong bad email, ghostwritten by...me.

Thought I'd try my hand at scripting an answer to a Strong Bad email. In 15 minutes I wrote a response to this question (well, maybe it was more like 30 if you count the tweaking I did later...):

Dear Strong Bad,

Someone I know is having halluciniations, claiming to see all sorts of crazy things that no one else can see. What do you think we should do? Does he need medication?

Bonnie D, VA


(Strong Bad reads it normally, except pronouncing ‘halluciniations’ and he reads VA as "Veterans Association".)

Well Bonnie D, your letter really should have included more information about what kind of visions we're talking about here. Otherwise, I can’t really tell if it’s a problem or not.

I mean, if it’s a hot girl that no one else sees, that’s pretty much perfect! Just think about it. You know, a girl who’s really hot…and no one else can see her…because she obviously only wants to be seen by you. I’ve got girlfriends like that.

But on the other hand, some visions can haunt you to your very bones. Maybe even deeper, like…all the way down to the stuff that bones use to hold together with other bones.

[Cut away to Strong Mad walking up to the sports field, switch to voiceover]

For instance, every month or so Strong Mad reports visions of Coach Zee wearing a Tutu and dancing ballet on the sports field.

[Strong Mad screams. Coach Z goes “Wait! Wait! This is just your imagination. I’m not here!”]

And as for The Cheat, he periodically spends all night out partying, and when he comes back home, he’s still hearing the music and seeing the lights…

[Cut to a peaceful scene in Cheat Animation Style of Homestar and Marzipan standing next to the stick with superimposed lights, music.]

…he doesn’t sleep, and can be very disoriented. It’s almost certain that he’s going to get on the riding mower at some point, which can quickly escalate into a problem.

[The Cheat comes through on riding mower with Spiral Eyes, running over the Stick and crushing Homestar. Homestar comments “I’m guessing last night was a pretty killer rave.” cut back to typing on computer]

We managed to patch up the Stick, so it was no big deal. That time. But I’m taking The Cheat to a psychologist this week to discuss therapy options.

In fact, it’s funny that you bring up the Veteran’s Association, because Strong Sad has been having flashbacks all morning to his service with the Homestar Army. But those halluciniations are almost certainly caused by the pills that I put in his Oat Mush this morning.

[Cut to Strong Sad running around living room with tape deck playing applause at intervals. Homestar is transparent and shows up wearing the skillet on his head, saying “you still owe me five bucks!” Strong Sad screams “I already paid you!” Homestar then turns into the green goblin, but repeats “You still owe me five bucks!” Strong Sad screams “I already paid you TWICE!” Cut back to computer.]

Heh Heh. At least I hope it’s caused by those pills, but you never really know what you’re getting when you buy off The Street. The dealer was a little sketchy.

[Cut to a shadowed version of Strong Bad and Bubs behind the Concession Stand]

Strong Bad: “Now these ones, the little blue ones, those give you flashbacks to your most terrifying moments?”
Bubs: “No, those are Sugar Tarts. The yellow ones give you the flashbacks.”
Strong Bad: “Oh. Fifty apiece is pricy, but I’ll take two. That way there will be flashbacks to the flashbacks.”
Bubs: “That works. Want any red ones to go with that?”
Strong Bad: “Aren’t those Cinnamon Jubee-Froots?”
Bubs: “No no, Jubee-Froots are round. These triangular ones make your imaginary girlfriends real for an hour.”
Strong Bad: “Whoa! How much!”
Bubs: “Just a dollar. But when the girls show up, you actually have to buy them all the gifts you promised them.”
Strong Bad: “Oh, crap. Nevermind.”

[Cut back to typing on the computer]

I think you and your friend should probably stay off the medication. Unless you’re made out of money, or you’re made out of the stuff that money uses to hold together with other money. Or if riding mowers are involved.

Okay so, until next time…seeing is believing!

THE PAPER

(delay 10-15 seconds, then typing resumes)

And those better be cinnamon Jubee-Froots you’re eating, because the invisible girls are for Strong Bad’s eyes only.

(Clicking on Strong Bad’s Eyes Only causes different ascii art girls to show up on monitor. Clicking on Cinnamon Jubee-Froots goes to Bubs and Coach Zee with Tutu behind the stand.)

Bubs: “Refund? But you ARE invisible!”
Coach Zee: “I am?”
Bubs: “Why would I lie?”
Coach Zee: “All right then, here’s one fifty for three more.”
Bubs: “Deal.”
Coach Zee: “Say, do you hear music?”

[Wacky superposition begins, and The Cheat crashes riding mower into concession stand.]
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